It's a tragic story...

but for some reason it's just not tragic enough.

I've had plans though. I've sort of changed those plans over the last few weeks/months/years though. This has left me with quite a sense of uncertainty.

I can't find the songs sad enough to bring me down. There are no words written that can bum me out. No film strip could bring me a tear.

I'm a happy guy right now. Things are not great. Things aren't even that good. But I'm happy in spite of it. I did just register for classes and got the exact schedule that I wanted, so that's a good thing. I'm in a relationship that makes me happy. I never thought I would be in one of those again, but all of a sudden... here it is. I'm having a falling out with one of my best friends and it's all because people (myself included; I'm not on a high horse here) can't talk to one another for some reason nor can they come to agreements; so that's a bad thing. But on the other hand, a friendship that seemed like it was going under has been salvaged.

Although I'm happy I realized I need to change a lot of things about my life. I think I'm moving in a positive direction in many ways, but there are a lot more things that can be done. I want to eat healthier, I want to minimize the amount of waste that I produce and increase the amount that I recycle, I want to bike even more than I do, even though I've cut down on how much I drive considerably, and lastly I want to do more to help people out.

I don't think this is all but my computer just made some updates and it wants me to restart.

I sorta don't like...

how Christians are the only religious fanatics that get a bad reputation in the usual mainstream American (or even Western) criticism (at least from what I've been exposed to). It might be just because of the liberal bias that you can't talk shit about Muslims right now. And Jews have caught shit for quite some time, so they're pretty off-limits. (But they're making a comeback lately--I've noticed a huge number of Jew references, but that might just be a Jud Apatow thing. Either way, they're becoming quite overt about things--you just have to be a Jew for it to be okay.)

Anyway... I'm sick of talking right now, I just want every religion to be discriminated against equally.

I'm going to stay optimistic...

...because I really like blogger. I like it a lot, in fact. It's fun to be here, and I like the people.

I just wish there were a little bit more feedback... but as the title of this blog implies, I'm gonna stay optimistic.

I am like a roller coaster lately. It's really sad. I worry and I worry and then I find out that there was no reason to worry. I just keep assuming that Kara is going to not like me anymore... like out of the blue or something. It makes no sense at all... I just ... worry. But she made me feel a lot better last night. I don't know what it is, but when I get compliments from certain people, it's enough to give me such a boost that I never think I'll come down. But I know I will, because like I said before, I worry.

But it's exciting to be at a stage where I can say what I want and what's on my mind and I know it won't scare her away. Plus, I got invited to a thing with her mom. I figure anybody who's willing to show off the fact that she's with someone to her family, is at least willing to keep me around for a while.

Which makes me happy.

So last night was fantastic. HOF rocked the house. It was unbelievable the change that overcame the audience. I mean, you had to be there. It started off with just us, the usual crowd, up in front of the stage, and the littler group off to the side in the under-21 corral. We were the only ones to cheer for the first few songs, and everybody else sorta half-heartedly clapped. But by the end of their set, everybody in the place was clapping and applauding and cheering. Everyone seemed to really take to them quite nicely. I'm so happy for them. Jason seemed pretty nervous at first, but after a couple songs, it was right back to the HOF we all know and love. Overall a fantastic show... Strange Young Things were not bad, just not my style... and The Black Angels, I can understand why and what people like about them, but it just wasn't working for me. I think it sounded really good, but with the video and everything that they had going on, I just found myself staring at the movies and weird images and flashes of things going by and wishing I was on some sort of drug. Peyote or acid or shrooms or some other hallucinogen. I mean, it has been a pretty long while.

I like drinking beer. I like it a lot. I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. And I'm a little annoyed by people who do. Not a lot... just a little bit peeved.

Happy?

I think I am. Things have been going well. Despite my slacking, I'm getting good grades. I wish I could get myself a little more motivated to do even better. I guess it's not as important this semester, but it is about to get to the point where it'll be impossible for me to survive without putting in A LOT of effort.


For the first time in possibly about 6 years I have a girlfriend. That might not seem to add up to some of you who are aware of my past, so I'll amend that statement. I have a girlfriend that doesn't live in another state (or across the country) and that I can spend a reasonable amount of time with. I kind of get happier and happier about it the more I hang out with her. We got some good news the other day and I'm happy about that. Then her birthday is on Monday and I'm getting to throw my first toga party because of it. I'm stoked. Well, we're not 100% officially going out yet.. but we have been acting more and more boyfriend-girlfriendy lately, and I'm going to officially ask her on Saturday sometime.

My life is also good because of money. My money situation is getting better. I got a call-back from the high school I want to work as a tutor for. This will unfortunately make me have to be more responsible with my drinking during the week, but I don't think I was going to be able to keep up that lifestyle anyway. Also, my residency petition was accepted and I'm now classified as an Arizona resident for tuition purposes. What does that mean? It means a 6,000-fucking-dollar refund, that's what it means! On top of that, my GI bill money has kicked in. All I gotta do now is get a hold on that asshole in CA who ripped me off, and I'll be square. Even my dad's gonna pay me back some money I lent him. Come to think of it, I'm starting to rethink this whole getting a job thing.

Hmm.... get a job.... drink all week long.... get a job..................... this is going to be a tough one.

Yeah... I should be doing some homework right now. Especially since when Baily gets back we're going shopping for groceries and stuff for the party.

I guess this is kind of a blog. Doesn't really have the feel of my usual blogs. I have realized that I have a heart. I thought I lost it while I was in the navy.

I do want to ask some advice though... when would be a good time to tell someone you're dating that you used to be married? Shouldn't be a big deal, right? I just don't know... it seems too weird to bring up nonchalantly and too important to never mention. Eh, whatever?

Quittin' time...

I'm sort of thinking that I want to quit blogging on myspace. I know I have a fairly decent number of regular readers, but I'm just sort of getting bored with it. I have realized that it's ridiculous to check it ten times a day and to be a little upset if I don't have new messages or comments. I'm talking very very very very little upset, here... but it's still there.

I don't know... I'm talking out my ass. I probably won't quit... especially not when drunk.

I will write more later.. I feel like writing. For now it's class.

If you're reading this... please tell me

so I can put a link to your blogger. I don't know how secretive I've been about this one, and I don't know if I've even told anybody other than Jared.

I don't know how to start my project, so I'm taking a break from it. I really need to be more proactive rather than reactive. I am letting these cheesy, easy assignments get the best of me because I waited for no good reason. Not that this weekend hasn't been fun and action-filled. The grand canyon trip was nice. I was a tired-ass mofo, but we had a good crew and I got to wear a bandanna for a few hours.

The 80's party was pretty fun. Kim and Kara agreed that I had the best outfit, so I was pretty happy about that. Props to Jason on finding the perfect 80's shirt, with writing to prove it. Props to Steph for giving me a kick-ass Flock of Seagulls hairdo. Everybody loved it and it also played a big part in me having the best outfit. I feel pretty good after last night. I found out the person that I like likes me back the same amount. It's been a long time since that has happened for me. One person always likes the other incongruently. Also this weekend I noticed I throw around mathematics terms like crazy.

I have to get a shirt and tie to go with my suit. I bought a really nice watch that I am looking forward to wearing with it. It just feels nice, that watch. I don't know what it is. It's just a really fucking classy watch. I'm looking forward to a haircut, for sho. I'm just not used to hair being long on the sides, and it's quite difficult to do anything with it.

I forgot to mention, the reason I am wearing a suit is because I'm flying to Missouri for a friend's wedding. I don't like MO, but a lot of my friends are going to be there, so it is going to be a good time. Plus, I got a direct flight to KC, so no layovers!!! I hate layovers so much.

I thought that there was something else that I wanted to say, but I can't remember. I want to borrow cds from people so I can expand my musical horizons without having to spend a fortune. If you would like to work out some sort of arrangement so I can rip your cds, let me know. I'm mobile, so I can come to you.

That is all for now.

If you're reading this...

... I must first of all thank you. Then I must congratulate you. And then be ever grateful for the fact that you took the time to come check this out. Then I am happy that you took the time to keep track of it. And even though I know this applies to about 4 people. You're the best 4 people there are.

I have been sticking with the mypace blog lately. But that's only because I can reach a much wider audience that way. So many people have told me that they enjoy reading my blogs and that honestly breaks my heart. For somebody whose only existence is a function of the acceptance of those around him, you cannot possibly understand how much I care about your opinion of me.

I wish I was a sun. I am so sick of being a planet or a satellite. I want to rely on my own gravity. Worst of all, I believe I'm a comet... I come into view every few thousand years because my orbit is so great and erratic that I hardly ever come into contact with those who are most important to me. But I have such energy for everyone. I love them all so much. I love you so much.

I want this to be my main medium of expressing myself, but I sort of like the tiny community that I have that truly respect what I have to say. I'm very torn over this subject right now.


Okay, I'm curious... is the pepper shaker supposed to have more holes than the salt shaker? It seems to make sense to me, because the salt pours out so fucking quickly.

I guess I'm done for now. If you want to, spread the word.... Tim wants to finally be heard..... for some reason.


Or he's just drunken rambling again.


(most likely)

Holy Shit!

It has been quite a long time since I've blogged on here. I really feel bad about this. I am dedicating today to me starting this blog back up. I know there are only a few people that stay up to date on here, but I want to be one of those people. Plus, I feel much more comfortable writing things here, where I don't have to keep things private and there are not nearly as many people around as there are on myspace. I like to be able to write what I want to write and not have to worry about it.

That being said, I still feel the need to censor what I write to some extent. Some people go overboard with what they tell people on the internet, or complete strangers or whatever. It just seems like... well like trying too hard. I want to try just right... like Baby Bear or whatever the hell he was called.

Either way, the past couple of months has been good... particularly the last couple of weeks.... particularly the last couple days. I am happy for the first time and I feel like I deserve it. Normally I feel like I have to stay down on myself. I can't have anything without sacrificing something else. But that's not the case right now. Now I can have whatever I like and I don't have to sacrificie anything. It's as if I have free reign over almost every aspect of my life. Sure I wish I wasn't back into the habit of procrastinating, but even still, I'm actually all caught up and in some instances ahead. I'm not technically behind in anything.

I do have to avoid that word, though: technically. I try to get off on a lot of technicalities. All the time, I do. It's the part of me that wants to be a lawyer I guess. I like finding loopholes and I like doing things contrary to what is expected, just because there is no established way... or if there is an established way, it is littered with ways around it that are not technically wrong.

Anyway, whatever. I am happy. I have gotten to hang out with Zane, Jason and Jared the last two days, which didn't seem to be happening quite as often as I like it to happen. Whatever the "situation" with Kara and I is, it seems to be going well. Very well, really. I'm not really overthinking things the way I normally do, either. I am still overanalyzing things; I am certain I always will. But I'm not doing it in a way that detracts from my life, happiness, or sanity, the way I used to.

Well, I really want to take a nap before tonight's show. I don't know how much sleep I got last night, but I am 100% certain that it was not enough. Even though I didn't get out of bed until 11:00, I know that I went to bed way less than six hours prior to that, and it was broken sleep.


Mmmmm... nap.

This is for Jared... or anybody really

Yes, I kept this blog secret because I thought I was going to update it a lot more often, plus what I was blogging about at the time seemed extra whiney and I didnt want to draw attention to it. But I intend on keeping this as my deep thoughts-type blog. But these deep thoughts will have to wait because I am on the jacked up laptop and typing is a chore of which I have not the patience. But farewell for now... spread the word .... Tim is back on blogger.

I think I'm back for good now.

I swear

I want to kill myself sometimes... I really do.



But fuck... it takes as much effort as not.

Title

Sometimes I just gotta post.

I'm happy right now. I know it's not going to last forever, but for right now it feels pretty damn great just to be alive and be here at home.

I don't think I have the energy to type. I'm helping Dan brew some beer (kind of) and I think it's really fun. I really think it will be a great hobby. I want to close my eyes but I don't want to not be helping Dan with the beer.

Beer.

The last thing

I wrote I wasn't going to post. I was actually happy that I didn't post it. But then I saw that it had saved the draft and I figured, WTF... why not.

Yes, I just used WTF, but I did it for comedic effect. Pretty funny guy, huh.

I think I've fallen in love with practically every girl I've ever met. It's kind of ridiculous, but in a lot of ways true. I know it's not EVERY single girl, but it's been a damn lot of them. I've found recently that I feel a few different types of love. I can just love a girl and not want to have sex with her. I like genuinely do not want to have a physical relationship. I think it's cool that I have more complex emotions than I really thought I did. Complexity is inevitable. Humans make everything much more complex than they need to be.

This seems dumb now and I want to stop writing. Even though I really feel like writing.

Happiness

is feeling comfortable. I feel comfortable right now because I'm a little bummed out on the world. I think I'm just getting very anxious to be home. Part of me wants to just head straight through to Coolidge when I start out tomorrow. But I still want to see people and I only have 3 more stops to go. I've just got to stick it out.

I don't know if anybody has discovered this blog yet, so I don't know what level of privacy I have. I never want to like a girl again in my life and I never want another girl to like me. Instead I find myself liking the unlikeliest of girls. And it was all a big mistake/accident. And not to mention completely stupid. I do have one girl that I need to get over. I don't consider her in the "like" category really. If there was an "annoying" category that's where I'd put her. Nothing she does is annoying; it's what she doesn't do that's annoying.

Whining about girls again.... now I feel comfortable.

What I need to do...

is find something constructive that will occupy my time. Because I'm going to drive myself crazy if I have any more free time to think about things.

I also need to just not think about things. I don't know why a fun time can't just be left as such. Why do I always need to know "why?"

Other blog discontinued

I've decided to just leave my other blog the way it is, and since I feel like I'm starting a new and important part of my life, I'm just going to use this blog from now on. Either that or I just like to be difficult.

There are about a million things I want to say right now. I can't (and shouldn't) say any of them to anyone. Well, I should say them to one person, but enough was said last night and although I am considerably less confused now about the past, I'm exponentially more confused about the future. Something drastic would need to be done. And now's definitely not the time for something that drastic. Maybe next year though.

That's actually been my plan all along--maybe next year. But even that is a little scary. It would probably be better to say, leave it for about eight years from now, but I don't want this to happen eight years from now.

Last night was equal parts something I've wanted to happen for over 4 years and something that probably never should have happened at all. And really, not much happened, because I realize in being vague, I open things up for interpretation. Do I really want to change everything about my life for somebody else? Well, I guess that's not really the right question. Obviously I don't want to change anything. But would I? I think that I might be willing. I guess it just boils down the last time I went all-in on something: It ended up in disaster. But not even total disaster, because I still got a life lesson out of it.

Maybe doing something stupid would get me out of the rut that I'm in. Ha... it's so funny that all I was worried about at first was whether or not I was going to get laid. That probably would have been the least complicated outcome.

I think I'm just going to keep this secret for now--this blog I mean. I still need to talk to somebody about... what do I always whine about?